Spending time thinking about thinking

January 29, 2022 Kristina M thoughts Comments Off on Spending time thinking about thinking

I am fascinated by other people’s experiences. I gain so much by listening to lessons learned by others. Sometimes I explore interests and activities that I might not have discovered otherwise.

During a book club meeting in September of 2016, I recognized that I have aphantasia. A conversation about 2000 Leagues Under the Sea led me to realize that large sections of descriptive text were lost on me. Other members were reflecting on how they could picture the coral reefs as they were described. To gain value from those same words, I would have to try to draw a picture or write down a diagram of sorts. So, I just skim incredibly descriptive parts until the plot continues.

Can you see a beach when you close your eyes?

It’s both shocking and freeing to sit through these revelations about oneself. I started reflecting back on an exercise done at my middle school. One where the teacher had everyone close their eyes. She instructed the class to picture a beach. She added elements, such as a palm tree or a sunset, to the description. All I could do was look at the blood veins on the back of my eyelids that were highlighted by the light of the room. I thought to myself “the teacher just wants the class to shut up, so here we are wasting time with our eyes closed.”

That afternoon at book club, I learned that others could actually picture a beach. Mind blowing! A discussion about dreams followed. I do not see pictures in my dreams either. My dreams are a sensation of knowledge of events happening with strong emotional responses. I might know I am being chased in a dream, although I see no surroundings, and I will feel the adrenaline and fear. Many times I wake up from these types of dreams sweating with my heart beating fast. Further discussion with my husband found we are polar opposites in this area. Where I cannot see, he can visualize with precise clarity.

Remembering through emotions

Most of my memories do not contain visual elements, but emotions. I struggle with facial recognition. The background of pictures is more useful in helping me identify who is in an old photo. If I can put myself back into the feeling of the experience, I can better remember.

Memories are stored as miniature stories with the emotions included. The joy is felt in remembering the fun of exploring the zoo with family. I remember the cast of characters, but nothing about clothing worn or exact animals seen. I can feel the excitement of getting to share my love and knowledge of animals mixed with opportunity to learn more. Then, the tiredness that came as the day continued, increased by the weight of my infant daughter on my back.

This followed by the shock of being verbally attacked when we returned to the house. A confusion of being yelled at, for things I did not know and could no longer change. All while being cornered by another family member, unable to leave, separated from my husband. The helplessness I remind myself I will never let others make me feel.

This makes me wonder how else our brains process differently. My brain seems to run a constant narration of thoughts. In the background a hundred browser tabs are processing earlier thoughts and trying to find solutions for problems. The sudden “aha” moments coming whenever my brain thinks it has answers.

More thoughts about thinking

Related Articles